bits of the mind's string

why hello there.

2011-05-11T15:53:00.000-05:00

So I just took my last final as an undergrad...

And now, even though I've been itching to start cleaning and packing for the past week but resisted the temptation in the midst of my impending finals, at the moment I feel the need to write something instead. Not sure why, though. I definitely don't have any profound introspective insights to share right now about my undergraduate experience.

The last time I blogged was eight months ago, at the beginning of the school year. It's been... quite a year, to say the least. It hasn't really hit me that I'm graduating in a week, but I do know that I have grown to love St. Louis in a way I never would have expected, and I'm thankful I'll be here for at least another year. I would miss it too much otherwise.

I think that's mostly what I'm feeling now. Gratitude. My job is just one of many things I'm thankful for. My coworkers are the sweetest people. Yesterday, my PI called me at work just to say bye to me (since she had forgotten as she left for a meeting) and to wish me good luck on my exams. I mean seriously. Who does that? She is adorable. :) I'm looking forward to ice cream socials, picking up our lab phone to the strangest requests (since for some reason Charter gives out our number to anyone trying to reach the WashU main office), talking to old people at the ED, and getting to know my coworkers better.

I am thankful that I will have another year in the same city as my parents and a good number of my friends. I am thankful that I will have a place to live next year. I'm excited to visit family in China this summer, to plug into a church community, find a new place to volunteer, apply to grad schools, learn to cook (for real this time), read books for fun, and a million other things.

So here's to graduating, being an adult, and always learning. I don't know what exactly the future holds, but I am ready to see what's in store and I have faith that it will be wonderful. :)

mumbo jumbo

2010-09-10T23:54:00.004-05:00

midnight. currently sitting in my apartment at my too-tiny-to-be-practical desk that i got at walmart for 29 dollars. the blinds are open; i can see lights from the apartment across from mine. someone's watching tv. blue lights flicker. it's raining, i think. maybe drizzling. definitely misting. walking from where i parked was so eerie. dark, misty; blurred yellow lights and dampness collecting on your hair. the streets are quiet.

i'm exhausted. my brain is currently spewing incoherent thoughts but i feel the need to just keep on spewing it out. i don't even know what i want to say, just that i need to say something.

life
has been so hectic. i have never gotten behind so early in the school year before. not that i have time this weekend to catch up. lab, retreat, meetings. things piled upon things piled upon more things.

i should probably sleep. or get some work done.

i'm feeling oddly calm though. God has been a bigger presence in my life this year compared to my previous college years, and He's been reassuring me, "what is impossible for you is possible through Me." which is good, because if the rest of the school year will be anything like these past two weeks, i definitely can't do it on my own strength.

the year feels strangely heavy to me. it's this tangible weight bearing down. i feel pressured to make things happen. so little time left. so many unanswered questions, decisions to be made, risks to be taken. i don't know.

i'm craving quiet time with God. i feel like i just haven't gotten any of it lately. maybe that's why i feel rushed all the time.

also craving quiet time with people. i want to lie in the sun on the grass on art hill, the air crisp with the first snap of autumn, and just spend time in comfortable silence with a friend. maybe in the shade though, since my spf 70 expired and i have yet to replace it.

bits of incoherence are still floating in my head but my brain is insisting upon sleep. so good night for now. more to come later, perhaps.

space

2010-08-24T19:10:00.006-05:00

I felt like such a tourist in SoCal. My home of eight years no longer felt like home, and I viewed the familiar surroundings with foreign eyes. The lack of space astounded me. The freeways were always clogged, and even at two in the morning, a steady stream of cars hurried toward their respective destinations. Buildings hugged each other, filling crevices and replacing outdoor space with indoor space. I must have been accustomed to seeing all of this at one point, but these memories had long been filtered out and replaced by my college experience in St. Louis.

I used to imagine that I would settle down in southern California to work and start a family. I remember loving Irvine when I visited in high school. I loved the perfect year-round seventy-degree weather, the proximity to the beach, Disneyland, and shopping, and the palm trees lining the wide, clean streets. And now, going back, all I could see were the big houses and nice cars and perfectly manicured lawns, an accumulation of wealth that was disconcerting, almost indecent. So much stuff yet so much space, spiritual emptiness in the midst of material abundance. I didn't realize how much had changed in the way I viewed the world over the last two years.

I used to refuse to believe that proximity could define a friendship. Three years into college though, I reluctantly accepted that your immediate surroundings dictate most areas of your life. Some relationships can't survive without the nourishment of frequent interaction, and the physical space between two people becomes emotional distance. It's like Coulomb's law: the strength of the interaction varies inversely with the square of the distance between two particles. Sorry, random spurt of nerdiness.

It sucks when the two feet of space between you and the person across the table forms an impenetrable wall of silence--not the comfortable silence between friends, but the awkward hesitation of not knowing what to say. And it especially sucks when you remember how you used to talk for hours every day, but now you've grown too far apart to know how to relate to each other.

3a.
(a post within a post)

We sat on a ledge outside an apartment complex in LA, my feet dangling above the pavement as I sipped boba green tea with my friend of eleven years. Conversation came easily, naturally. We reminisced about high school and chatted about college, med school, relationships, life. For a while, time slowed down. Nothing seemed urgent. The little things in our lives that were worrisome or attention-demanding faded. Things were simple again--just two friends catching up after a long absence.

"Sometimes," he told me, "I feel like there are so many things in my life that I've done and have to do that I lose sight of reality. Everything moves so fast, and I wonder if this is actually my life. You know what I mean? But you... don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like you haven't changed at all. And when I talk to you, I know that this is my reality. You're my totem."

Sometimes, friendships get even better after a space of absence.

the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly
-owl city

flying

2010-08-14T04:32:00.003-05:00

I love flying alone. Is that weird? I like the freedom of walking into the airport by myself, checking in, and waiting at the gate curled in a chair with a book. I like the liberating anonymity of being surrounded by strangers. And I love plane rides. Floating miles above the ground, reading, writing, thinking, or just staring out the window for hours. Window seats are my favorite for sure.

My favorite part of a flight: the takeoff. One instant, you're listening to the wheels scrape across the ground, and the next instant, you're weightless.

My favorite kind of flight: flying from east to west, chasing the sun. Flying into the light and leaving the darkness behind.

Currently chilling at my friend's apartment in Irvine, California. My first meal after arriving in this state was In-n-Out. Perfect beginning to a week of delicious food!

six days

2010-08-06T12:48:00.002-05:00

...until the MCAT, and I can feel myself starting to lose steam... I woke up six hours ago, have yet to do any studying today. This wouldn't be a big deal if I had been knocking those AAMC tests out of the water, but I've consistently hit a couple of points below my target. There's still quite a bit I could do in terms of review and practice, but I simply haven't been doing it. Problem? Yes.

And I've started having dreams about failing the MCAT. Literally, failing--a total score of 16? That would probably be enough to get me instantly rejected from every med school in the country. It took me a while to remember that I couldn't have failed that miserably yet, since I have yet to take it. I have never been so relieved that the test is still looming in front of me.

Plus, as always, right before a big test, I've started thinking about and planning my future. Working out some details in my SoCal visit (this is actually legitimate, since it's only a week away; the rest are not), thinking way too much about senior year, wondering if I have enough time to squeeze another class into my schedule, thinking about ACF and small group, sifting through ideas for Doorways and wondering if I should start contacting the volunteer sites soon, wondering when and where I should start applying for jobs for my year off, who to get my letters of rec from, when I'm going to finish my PIR, whether or not I still have time to shadow during the school year, etc. etc. etc. Seriously NOT a good time. My mind feels so cluttered I don't even have space to retain the information I need for the MCAT. Help!

So that's pretty much all I've been up to lately. Now I'm off to go clean out my brain and pull myself out of this slump. Goodbye.

shadowing

2010-07-28T12:04:00.005-05:00

Things I have mastered:
1. Strolling into the doctors' lounge wearing my scrubs and scoring a free meal without anyone questioning me.
2. Staying out of the surgeons' way in the OR while still maintaining a good position to see everything that's going on.
3. Detaching myself from the patient and watching the surgeons tear open her abdomen without batting an eye (I'm pretty sure I have to re-master this if I ever have to be the one doing the cutting, though).
4. Taking long, quick strides to keep up with the doctor I'm shadowing. She is significantly taller than I am, power-walks everywhere, and always takes the stairs.

Things I have yet to master:
1. Slipping on a surgeon's cap in a single smooth, swift motion. Somehow I always manage to yank it over my face and struggle to fix it for the next thirty seconds while everyone else has moved on.
2. Remembering to push the button instead of opening the door manually so I won't have to break my stride. Additional familiarity with the floor plan of the hospital would also be helpful in getting to places more quickly.
3. Asking good, intelligent questions. My knowledge of medicine and the human body is so limited I find myself being scared of asking an embarrassingly basic question (which is almost every question that pops into my head).
4. Resisting the urge to pick up every baby I see and run away. I can't even begin to describe how adorable they are. Especially the ones that are a day or two old in the nursery... Instead of paying attention to the checkups that the doctors are administering, sometimes I can't help walking around and making googly eyes at all the babies. I wish I could go there and play with them in my free time.

Overall, such an awesome experience. And now I really, really want to be a pediatrician...! Can't wait for med school. :)

the most startling awareness

2010-07-03T10:04:00.007-05:00

of time's passing greets you when you watch a younger relative grow up.

I remember holding my baby cousin the day he was born, marveling that nine months prior, this red, turnip-like creature was just a speck floating in an ocean of amniotic fluid. And now, he's ten going on eleven (what?!). Sure, he's still sweet and adorable, but he's about to enter middle school, the place where innocence goes to die. Soon he's going to start noticing girls, and his mind will be corrupted with perverted thoughts, and he'll become an awkward, pimply product of puberty. The whole idea makes me a bit sad. I kind of wish we could genetically engineer kids to always be kids. Issues of ethicality? Overrated...

But then again, I can imagine the knowledge and wisdom he'll take from his experiences in the coming years and the beautiful, wonderful person he will become. Still, it must be pretty bittersweet for parents when their kids leave the last vestiges of childhood behind.

A few random thoughts:
1. I am SO glad I wasn't in high school when the whole Twilight craze started. I don't normally have trouble with anger management, but at some point I think I would have snapped and started punching those starry-eyed, salivating, fourteen-year-old girls in the face.
2. A question from my MCAT biology book:

Toxoplasmosis is caused by a parasite that establishes a wildlife reservoir and infects humans residing in major US cities. Which of the following animals most likely serves as a toxoplasmosis wildlife reservoir?
A. elephants
B. cats
C. snakes
D. trees

I hope a I get a question like that on my actual exam! Prerequisite for med students: the ability to distinguish between animals and plants...

how to tell when you're pms-ing:

2010-06-18T00:00:00.004-05:00

(Or, how to tell when you've officially lost it...)

1. When missing half of the questions on an MCAT problem set brings you close to tears.

2. When the end of Game 7 of the NBA Finals leaves you with an inexplicable desire to pet Derek Fisher's head.

3. When, faced with the realization that there is no chocolate in the house, you pick up a bag of semisweet chocolate chips and start eating them by the handful.

4. When Toy Story 2 leaves you bawling and and extremely distressed as you struggle to remember how many stuffed animals you've donated in the past and how many lives you've brought to ruin.

5. When you become inordinately upset over the fact that your mom finished all the imitation crab meat sticks in the freezer.

6. When you start carrying on conversations with inanimate objects, or enacting conversations between inanimate objects complete with designated voices and backstories.

Sometimes I think that PMS is a myth, or at least a convenient excuse for emotional irrationality. In any case, let's hope tomorrow is a better day.

exercise is like a drug.

2010-05-26T18:41:00.003-05:00

Man, I've been missing out. I've spent so much of my life trying to avoid physical activity that it didn't really occur to me that the effects of exercise might not just include sweat, soreness, and general unhappiness.

After Catalyst, under some sort of sleep deprivation-induced delirium, I decided that I would start exercising every day. To my utter amazement, the aftereffects are GREAT. I can actually feel the endorphins skipping through my veins. I feel relaxed and happy even while working through MCAT problem sets. Yay!

MORE DRUGS PLEASE. :)

lessons in humility

2010-05-11T15:03:00.002-05:00

are REALLY not fun.

They kind of sum up my entire college experience pretty well. It's been a relentless period of exposing inadequacies in every aspect of my life--academically, socially, spiritually. Every time it happens, I find myself complaining, Again? Haven't I been humbled enough?

And every time God answers, If you can still ask that question, you clearly haven't yet.

So here's to learning more of these lessons and to seeing more of my own brokenness. It's depressing, yes, but also incredibly liberating. Thank God I'm not the one in control of my life.

Oh, and hello to Being a Senior. I don't think I'm ready for you yet...

sometimes...

2010-04-22T20:46:00.004-05:00

...I really wonder about my decision to pursue an area of study that is clearly not my forte.

I've always loved humanities. Copious amounts of assigned readings in a humanities class never fazed me; in fact, I enjoyed the four hundred pages of reading assigned each week back when I was majoring in English.

Bio classes just aren't as fun. My brain decides to wander off and eat ice cream and play with puppies in grassy meadows while I'm sitting at my desk staring at a bio textbook with my eyes glazed over.

Life would be so much easier if I chose a different career path... but I want to become a doctor more than I want an easier time in school.

Dear biology, I WILL love you someday. I promise. I am trying. Wait for me please.

the worst motivational post. ever.

2010-04-08T17:07:00.015-05:00

My parents were married on May 1, 1988. I was born on January 30, 1989. Just to make things blatantly, painfully, clear: yes, the time elapsed between my parents' wedding and my birth was exactly nine months. Yes, I was conceived on their wedding night. And yes, I was one speedy, aggressive sperm.

Flash forward five months, and my mom was emptying the contents of her stomach every ten minutes. Most women balloon when they're pregnant; my mom lost thirty pounds. She confessed to me that she was afraid I was going to end up either mentally retarded or physically deformed (or both), since she didn't think I was receiving any nutrients. But of course, being the greedy parasitic little monster I was, I inhaled every last drop of yummy amniotic fluid and entered the world as a perfectly healthy, seven-pound baby.

Take-home message: celebrate your accomplishments as a fetus. Derive empowerment from your successful transformation into a zygote. As my good friend would say, "Whenever you're feeling inadequate, just think about how you beat out millions of sperm to get to the egg and become fertilized. We have all triumphed against the odds. We are all winners."

to know You

2010-04-03T01:42:00.005-05:00

is to want to know You more.

*

and i pray that they will see more of You and less of me
Lord i want my life to be the song You sing.

hormones

2010-03-31T16:03:00.007-05:00

Now every time I go to the bathroom, the only thing I can think about is anti-diuretic hormone and my body's osmotic balance. And every time I'm tired, instead of a caffeine boost, I wish I could get an injection of PEPCK.

Could definitely use some of that to get through this week...

rah rah rah-ah-ahhh

2010-03-17T23:09:00.005-05:00

I have expectations for people. I can't help it. I like to think that my expectations for others are reasonable, but I know sometimes they get me into trouble.

I have expectations for the people I work with. When we work together as leaders, I expect each person to pull his or her own weight because I assume that by accepting these roles, we sign on for additional responsibilities that we agree to fulfill. I expect people to notify me more than a few hours in advance if they can't keep a commitment. I know that things come up, but I think there's a problem when someone is more consistent about bailing on events than attending them.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to be a little more sympathetic. After someone continuously flakes and makes excuses, though, my patience wears a little thin. Then my anti-confrontational tendencies really kick me in the butt because I can't bring myself to communicate my frustrations.

Part of it, I know, is because I've been spoiled by my brothers and sisters in ACF. I see them sacrifice so much for each other. They consistently go beyond the bare "requirements," loving and serving each other at the expense of additional personal burdens and regular loss of sleep. And maybe I need to go through these cycles of frustration to really appreciate again how extraordinary these actions are and how lucky I am to have these people in my life. They never cease to inspire me. :)

relay

2010-03-13T09:07:00.007-06:00

Normally, I HATE fundraising. Remember those candle/chocolate/gift wrap fundraisers you were forced to do in elementary school? I never sold anything.

When I signed up for Relay for Life, the issue of how I was going to raise money remained in the back of my mind and nagged me relentlessly. After all, Relay isn't just about having a good time with your teammates. It's about celebrating cancer survivors, remembering those who passed away, and raising money for cancer research. It's a cause I strongly support. I just didn't know where to start.

The challenge was to raise $100 over spring break. At first, I wasn't even planning on trying to reach that goal. I halfheartedly sent out a dozen emails and waited for a response. Then, the donation I received from one friend completely changed my mindset. I was awed, humbled, and moved by her generosity and the story behind it, and the motivation to fundraise smacked me in the face. I haven't felt this driven to do something in a very long time. I finally began to pour my heart into my fundraising efforts through asking people directly if they would be willing to give, signing up for psych experiments so I could donate the money, and brainstorming more ways to reach people. Many of the people I talked to were incredibly supportive, and I am so encouraged and thankful for their willingness to help out.

And really, it must be some kind of miracle now that I know I will surpass my $100 goal when I have never been able to sell a roll of gift wrap before. But just because I've met my goal doesn't mean I should, or will, stop trying. There is still a week left until Relay, and I am asking you to please consider making a small donation here.

Every dollar really does make a difference. Thank you for your support.

excessively normal people

2010-03-11T02:03:00.003-06:00

intimidate me. You know, the people who never seem to get caught saying or doing anything embarrassing and just stare at you when you do. I always feel incredibly self-conscious around them because I'm convinced that they're silently judging me. In the presence of such people, I suppress my silliness and put on a mask of poise and normalcy (although I'm not entirely sure how well I manage this, since I don't actually possess either of these characteristics).

Then again, my logic could be completely circular. I am more or less normal around people I don't know well. Maybe we all have this shell of normalcy that we discard once we catch glimpses of the weirdo in other people.

but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness...

2010-02-16T20:33:00.005-06:00

...and all these things will be given to you as well. -Matthew 6:33

To be completely honest, I was always a little skeptical of this even while I outwardly acknowledged it. I always felt the need to take things into my own control, to hoard my time for myself and my studies, to enclose myself in a little cage of safety and stagnancy. But this year God has been leading me away from the comfort of familiarity. He has been asking me again and again to trust Him and showing me time after time that He provides. He's provided for me in so many ways just in the past week--I'm still amazed.

You know that warm melty giddiness you get when you like someone? That's how I feel right now. I LOVE getting to know Him. :)

don't be fooled by the cute innocent-looking ones

2010-02-14T01:08:00.003-06:00

Haejun: Did I get the right size?
Me: Yeah, I think I can fit into a small.
Haejun: Well, if you're too fat, you should lose weight.

This was before she closed the door on me as I was getting out of the car. :(

i have this habit

2010-02-08T09:49:00.000-06:00

of compulsively deleting blog posts. I'm not entirely sure why I do it.