My parents were married on May 1, 1988. I was born on January 30, 1989. Just to make things blatantly, painfully, clear: yes, the time elapsed between my parents' wedding and my birth was exactly nine months. Yes, I was conceived on their wedding night. And yes, I was one speedy, aggressive sperm.
Flash forward five months, and my mom was emptying the contents of her stomach every ten minutes. Most women balloon when they're pregnant; my mom lost thirty pounds. She confessed to me that she was afraid I was going to end up either mentally retarded or physically deformed (or both), since she didn't think I was receiving any nutrients. But of course, being the greedy parasitic little monster I was, I inhaled every last drop of yummy amniotic fluid and entered the world as a perfectly healthy, seven-pound baby.
Take-home message: celebrate your accomplishments as a fetus. Derive empowerment from your successful transformation into a zygote. As my good friend would say, "Whenever you're feeling inadequate, just think about how you beat out millions of sperm to get to the egg and become fertilized. We have all triumphed against the odds. We are all winners."
6 comments:
wow mind.is.blown. at least i survived cancer attack in the womb :)
yea, the most i survived in the womb was a fainting spell in the post office and a couple slips on an icy driveway, and evidently this could not prevent me from emerging a 9-lb. monster. D:
birth is some miracle, no? :D
i think i was 5 lbs when i was born...
wow lucy was a fatty.
post + comments were a very entertaining read.
Lucy = FAT.
I have an insatiable appetite for watermelon and chicken because of what my mom ate while I chilled for 9 months. Yup. Watermelon and Chicken.
this is the best motivational post. EVER
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